We’re down to the last few days of pre-IVF priming…..in the end the 5 weeks have gone fairly quickly, likely because I surrendered, gave up worrying about it and just let it happen (more on this in a sec). Once I put the situation in the backseat the drive went just fine. As you know I’ve spent the last few weeks on estrogen pills and testosterone patches (along with the birth control) and those have been fine. I feel like I’ve gained a little weight – which I’m totally not cool with – more on that in a smidge.
So as to the worrying – I had to address and find a place of comfort with the fact that I currently have little or no control of some major aspects of my life. That was tough…..and I’m not even a control freak.
On one hand, I have no control of my reproductive personage and am literally just doing what I’m told.
And, on the other hand, most of the work I do is freelance which means there are times that I’m busy and….times that I’m not. Summer is a slower time, so that’s been a head game as of late.
Having these two things going on simultaneously can be a real punch in the nuts.
My wise hubbo simply said, “Control the things you can.”
For now, that feels like not a whole lot, but I have to remember that this is a chapter and not the whole book. There will come a time when I look back on these months/years, wipe my brow and likely say, “holy shit, that happened.”
I know I’ll feel much better once I’m actively shooting myself up with stuff – I sort of think stimming is the easiest part of IVF as it’s the period of time when you’re being proactive and participatory. It’s the waiting between cycles that’s the rough and tumble. I also have to hold on to the hope that work’ll pick up as we head into Fall, because it usually does. And, if it’s a little light now that’s kind of fine as I can’t really be heading in and out of town when I’m supposed to be getting morning monitored.
All that aside, I bought myself a new dress – ModCloth.com by way of Ebay and that’s done wonders. Funny how the slightest bit of retail therapy can help a lady out (said by someone who really is not a shopper). Also the dress is red and I’ll be damned but that color just gives me a real positive kick in the ass. I feel great when I wear it.
As for the weight gain – don’t know if that’s residual from all the meds or what, but I can’t say that I’m cool with it. Yes, I know I’ll be gaining weight once I’m pregnant (hey look at me, keeping things in the positive) but for now I don’t like the idea that my clothing’s snugger than it ought to be. I don’t like it. Also I’m off to Vegas on a gig this week (see? work is happening) and there will be ample time to sit poolside….the thought of putting on a bathing suit right now is GUH-ROSS!
But the gig’s in Vegas baby.
I’ll be in Vegas the week before I start stimming.
Thank you, universe.