So yesterday I got offered a really good gig….a type of gig I’m good at and have been working hard to get more of….and finally someone called who hadn’t used me before…..for a show and a workshop which equals pretty big money.
You knew there was gonna be a but….I put it in the title….
The rehearsal has potential to fall on egg retrieval (ER) day and the gig has potential to fall on embryo transfer (ET) day.
Because WHO KNOWS?! Today is Stim Day 9 and it’s sort of a day-at-a-time thing to see how I’m responding to the meds and when I’ll be good to go…..BUT (again with the but) since I only have last IVF’s schedule to use as a reference (where I did 13 days of stims), the dates might just fall directly on top of the gig. I can’t in any good conscience take this gig if I’d have to back out at the last minute.
‘Cause that would be low class.
But (again?) turning down the gig was a bummer, in the end gigs come and go – it’s what happened to the side of it that has left me with some residual oogy feelings. I was doing an afternoon corporate show in the building when I got the email asking if I could do the show/workshop so I went upstairs to the producer’s office to say I couldn’t do it.
And….out of my mouth came THE TRUTH as to why I couldn’t do it.
The IVF Truth.
I’ve only told a handful of friends about what’s going on, and have definitely blatantly bent the truth to plenty of people as to why I’m not available for stuff or can’t go for drinks or whatever…..but out of my faceplace came THE TRUTH to someone I barely know and it felt like I was given up precious information to someone who, I don’t know…..shouldn’t know it?
Why didn’t I just say I had other gigs or something?
In the moment I just wanted her to know that I had a really good reason for turning down the work, a big reason, that the work really mattered.
But really….I told her THE TRUTH?
Why didn’t I just take a breath, sit on it for a minute, and draft an email saying I had other shit going on those dates.
I told her we weren’t telling people and to please keep it to herself. She was supportive and told me that she knows people have other things going on and that she’d be back to me with other work down the line…..but her face was kind of awesome…..kind of like “I’m not entirely sure I know what you’re talking about but I know it’s something big and I don’t really know you so I’m attempting a good poker face.”
She’s got to be a good 10+ years younger than me….she must know what IVF is, right? Maybe she googled it after I left the room.
It’s on me that I’ve opted to keep this information largely under wraps. I know that. I also know that there will come a day where I sing the praises of assisted fertility and hopefully serve as an advocate for folks going through it.
BUT (we’re back to the buts)
….for now, I need to keep it close…not Pandora’s Box powder keg close…but tender-careful close. I’m in the trenches, in the thick of it and doing just fine….
BUT (probably the last)
Why did telling a random someone somehow feel like I was fracturing something that is precious? It’s silly but there’s an irrational part of me that feels a tiny bit like if I tell too many people that somehow it lessens our chances.
And that my friends: IS DUMB.
But (definitely the last) I’m human, and having silly oogy thoughts and feelings during IVF is just part of the