Early Pregnancy Announcements: Ew.

Tuesday, a guy I know posted a photo on his Facebook with the caption:

so… it’s super early- and really, a lot could go wrong. but I’m too excited to keep it a secret. 
my wife put it best… “so… this happened today.”

The photo was of course of a positive pregnancy test:

 url

 So basically, they announced their pregnancy when they’re about a whiff’s worth of pregnant.

I’ve always been one of those “wait all the way through the first trimester” kind of gals. I’m superstitious and old-fashioned that way. Now that I’ve a) had a miscarriage, b) known folks who miscarried and c) found out just how common miscarriages are, I find myself even more superstitious and leery of letting the cat out of the bag early.

I mean, I’m happy for them, of course I am (though I won’t lie to you guys…..it also stings to know that JUST ONE MORE person is pregnant before me) but it just seems like SUCH A BAD IDEA to post that picture on the Facebooks when they’re all of what….4 or 5 weeks pregnant?

I feel shitty for this kind of judgment.

It’s interesting though – as a lady writing about her struggles and quests, I realize that if I get pregnant (IF, I said IF….I can dream) I’ll be telling the faceless online support group of fellow questers that it’s worked likely after the first few betas. But it sort of feels like we’re all in this together – the joy of one keeps a mess of us going in a way, “It worked for her, it could for me.”

There was a side thought to my seeing that photo:

They don’t know they’re rubbing their fertility in the noses of a mess of people.

Why would they?

Would I have known if none of this had been a problem?

No, I wouldn’t have.

There’s an innocence that I’ve lost. That many of us have lost. The innocence that tells us to shout out joyous news from the rooftops. That everyone will be happy. Who wouldn’t be happy to hear that there’ll be a new little life in the world?

However:

Between them they know like 900 people….the sheer law of averages means a few people on that list are having a rough go getting pregnant or worse yet, have lost one to miscarriage.

They’re excited. I get it. But take a breath.

And yes, I know I’m a bit of an asshole with this – but it’s my blog, and it’s a safe place.

 

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14 thoughts on “Early Pregnancy Announcements: Ew.

  1. See, I told right away because I felt like if something was to go wrong I wanted to have support and because I didn’t want it to be like that baby never existed. But I can definitely see it both ways and I perfectly understand what you mean.

    • I think there’s also a huge difference between telling friends and telling the extended Facebook community. I really appreciate your reasons for telling – those are very sound and honest. Out of curiosity, did you feel that way before you had trouble conceiving or did you always feel that way?

      • I guess I always felt that way. Prior to ttc, I never thought about things like early miscarriage. I guess I just thought that stuff happened to other people. Ah my ignorant self!

  2. Yeah…. Maybe it’s because we all know so much and too much already. But even if I didn’t, I still wouldn’t post a positive peestick on FB. Period. And you’re not at all an asshole with this. People should just chill and not post EVERYTHING in their life.

  3. If you’re an asshole, so am I. I feel exactly the same way about early pregnancy announcements. I think, for me, it’s mostly about jealousy- I envy the innocence. I miss it and want it back!!! But that can’t happen. A little piece of me will forever remain the jaded infertile.

  4. Gak. Thank you for writing this.

    Even before my 6 (or is it 7? Dear God, forgive me for losing count for a moment. It is 7) losses, I would never have announced in my first trimester. Hell, I’ve only had one successful pregnancy and I didn’t admit I was pregnant to the world until 6 months in (and then I still wouldn’t talk about it comfortably for fear of… you know. Bad stuff happening).

    It’s impossible (or to me it would be inhuman for me) not to feel upset even when we are happy for others – truth be told, I find it hard even when others struggling with fertility challenges overcome them while I’m still in the trenches though I’d never begrudge them, it just aches, you know?

    • I hear ya. I do wonder what it’ll be like if I do manage to get pregnant again. My husband says that getting pregnant is just another step and the start of other things to worry about. I mean, we’ll have our joy (for reals) but I worry that I’ll question every ping and pang rather than marvel at them. Also, 7? I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine.

  5. “Take a breath” is right! This seems just…. wrong. Did his wife give him the ok to post that? Uggggggh. Sometimes I think social media has given people a bad case of the TMIs.

  6. I am envious of the innocence, that someone can post so early on FB. I know that after the first ( miscarried) pregnancy, I did talk about it on my blog very early on, but that is more because I was talking about the fear of the inevitable miscarriages. the first most people I know in real life knew about those pregnancies was when they went wrong. And FB never knew
    And those that track every single week! Argh.

  7. My husband and I have been trying for eight years and when I got my first positive test result, I didn’t post in facebook (that’s a little extreme in my opinion… so many things people post on facebook are overboard) but hubby and I did text the pic to ALL of our friends and family. It was a bad idea but a learning experience. I ended up having an early miscarriage (5.5 weeks which most would call a chemical but I feel it was caused by the Tylenol I took so I call it a miscarriage). We then had to tell all our friends and family the sad news. It was hard, but I am also glad that I didn’t have to hide the reason why I was depressed for the next few weeks. The next time we got a positive (also a chemical/miscarriage) we only told very close friends and family that knew we were going through fertility treatment. And third times a charm… we told friend/family about our positive but they were all cautiously optimistic with us and we all got excited when we had our 6 week ultrasound and saw the heartbeat and a subsequent 8 week ultrasound we got even more excited and told more people. By the 12th week that’s when we announced it to as many people that we could think of.

    I totally understand and agree how you would feel about seeing someone posting their positive like that. But… if it doesn’t work for them, then it will be a learning experience (and they might feel pretty stupid for shouting it to the world like that). Being stuck in this world of fertility struggles, we all have had learning experiences.

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