A Severance Letter to My Reproductive System

So I’ve been taking time to sort out all my feelings and such about the information presented to us: that I have a very very low chance of conceiving even with help and an even lower chance of carrying the baby to term. It’s been harder than I expected but I think I’m starting to get over the hurdle. Having to do so while coming off artificial hormones and being bombarded by natural hormones did not help. Basically, there was alot of the getting-weepy-at-kitten-commercials type of thing.

Apparently protecting my own feelings for a long time resulted in being rather cavalier in what I thought I would be cool with: i.e. not being pregnant. On some level I really thought that it would be fine if I was never pregnant as long as I did everything I could to try. In the end, that’s actually still mostly true. Our goal and desire to parent far outweighs our desire to biologically parent. But come on, I’m human, I guess more of me thought it’d be nice to have all the “pregnancy moments” than I thought. I’m doing okay though and moving forward. We are officially pursuing adoption, by which I mean we’re filling out the application for the adoption agency we’ve chosen.  There will likely always be lingering pangs of disappointment but as a few folks have pointed out, once there’s a baby in my arms we will feel complete as a family, despite coming at it from a different angle.

In talking with one of my dearest friends about needing to go through a period of mourning, she suggested that I write a letter to my body. In doing so I would not only address my disappointment with its failings but as she put it, “point out that my heart and mind are stronger and that my life goals won’t be defeated by its failings.”

And so, as part of my…..healings…..I write this letter, firing my body from certain responsibilities.

Dear Reproductive System,

Thank you for your dutiful years of service to the company but we will no longer be needing your full participation at this time. Please consider this letter as an immediate demotion to your previous position within day-to-day operations.

You have served us well in many of your functions but when asked to pursue a deeper commitment in our company’s overall needs and wants, you have not met the expectations that were set before you. The head of our company, in agreement with various other department heads, strongly feels that you were given far more opportunities and avenues to accomplish these goals than many other systems in similar situations. Certainly the systems at other companies have been able to accomplish similar goals without ANY outside assistance or intervention. It would seem that despite the assistance of various outside experts you have thumbed your nose at incorporating their expertise. The head of the company has every intention of moving forward with our overall goals and feels it best to terminate your participation at this time.

We are beginning the process of reviewing outside candidates who, while their origin will come from outside the company, are no doubt ideal candidates for the ultimate position we had to hoped to accomplish with your participation. As it turns out there are numerous other ways to reach the company’s overall goal. So there. Perhaps you were under the assumption that you were the end-all-beat-all way of accomplishing this particular plan of the company. You are not. We have begun to pool our resources and are focussing them on a different process by which we are hopeful and certain to have the success we have hoped for for quite some time. 

If you feel in the future that you would like to be included once again in the accomplishment of this particular goal you are certainly welcome to do so. At any time. Without notifying the head of the company. You may feel free to surprise us at any time in the future by announcing that you are intent on accomplishing the goal through your own devices. However, since we have been informed at this time that this is questionable at best, we will not spend any further emotional or financial resources running at the brick wall you have set before us. Again, you are welcome at anytime to regain the full status and potential your position entails but for now, we ask that you return to your day-to-day tasks and to do them with the normalcy and regularity that you have done so well in the past.

Your desk and all its accoutrement will remain in place for your continued day-to-day use.

With all respect,

Me

Head of Human Resources, Aging Baby Maker, Inc. 

Addendum:

Please read the above with its intended silliness: I fear folks think I’m crying in my soup. I’m doing really well and wrote the above tongue-in-cheek because humor is how I cope…..and because every thing about what we go through with all this is so fucking ridiculous.

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Big Money Big Decisions

We’ve been so kickass lucky up until now that most of our IVF expenses have been covered. That door is closing.

The doctor has recommended pushing through with stims and freezing – after which everything becomes out-of-pocket for us. The math on freezing and storing embryos, a month or two of testing, drugs and an FET cycle (Frozen Embryo Transfer) would run us approximately $7000 (on top of the $1800 out-of-pocket we’ve already spent for uncovered tests and meds since February). That’s a conservative estimate.

$7000

That’s alot of scratch now isn’t it?

Those of you who are stepping onto your “I’ve Been Paying for IVF Out-Of-Pocket All Along” Soapboxes – I get it! I know which side my bread has been buttered on. I also know that without coverage we WOULD NOT have pursued IVF at all.

At all.

So let’s all take a deep breath and proceed….

$7000….and that’s an estimate. $7000 for a less than 10% chance of a positive pregnancy test, a lower chance of carrying to term.

Our meeting with an adoption agency gave us a rough approximate estimate of $30,000 to adopt a child.

So the question is: do we spend $7000, $30,000 or $37,000?

It’s the 3 Little Bears of “Where Should We Spend Our Money?” …..though instead of Too Small, Too Big and Just Right, it’s more like “Yikes!, Holy Crap! and Ah-Ooo-Gah!”

I’ll break down our thoughts:

The 7K for testing/FET feels like a real crapshoot. Not impossible for it to work….but RUAL RUAL slim chances. There’s a feeling that we’d be just throwing that $7000 away.

Doing the testing/FET first would delay starting the adoption process for another 4-5 months, which doesn’t seem right to either of us. If we were to do them both at the same time the potential $37,000 makes my stomach hurt.

So that brings us to our decision.

Which I’ll reveal…….after these commercial messages.

My hubbo and I have talked through it all, from every angle. He doesn’t like everything that IVF entails…shots, tests, driving to lots and lots to appointments, dealing with anxiety laced progesterone dreams…. He hates me having to get biopsies: “I don’t like them going in there and taking parts out.” But he’d support whatever I wanted to try, since my body has to do the heavy lifting. I felt him wanting to let me make the decision and told him it was too big to do alone, I needed to know exactly what he wanted.

Without thinking he said, “I’m ready to move on.”

Just like that.

Move on. Let it go. Mourn never carrying a biological child and look forward with hope to having a family a different way.

I’m not gonna lie: I’m tired. It’s been a long time. 2-1/2 years. And yes, I know some of you have been at it for way longer (and I’m pulling for you every step of the way) but I’m 43 and I’m tired of treading water.

I need some hope. I need to take the path that includes the most hope of us having a family.

IVF/Testing/FET = a known process, a few weeks of discomfort, lots of waiting, not much hope on the other end

Adoption = lots of unknown, likely a long daunting process with lots of waiting, and with lots and lots of hope at end

Monday after we left the doctor’s office my hubbo said “we likely know our best course of action, we just need to come to terms with it.”

So that’s where we are now: preparing for the excitement of adoption while coming to terms with the decision to stop trying to conceive.

And even though it feels right it’s harder than I thought it would be.

More on where I’m at with that when I speak with you next.

 

 

Test Results Equal Shitty News

There’s alot happening all of a sudden – I’m going to break it up into a few posts:

Monday my husband and I sat down with Dr. Hail Mary thinking we were there to ask some last minute questions and then charge into IVF4: The Final Frontier. I had repeated the endometrial receptivity/Beta 3 integrin biopsy on March 31 and those results were already in.

Good news: the Beta 3 integrin was now positive. Bad news: my lining was still out of phase “despite aggressive treatment.” Dr. Hail Mary explained that this meant the cells weren’t getting the message from the progesterone and estrogen and therefore the lining was not receptive to implantation.

Think of it this way: my lining is Quantity over Quality.

Basically: there’s enough lining but implantation is highly improbable in that environment.

He said, “In this business we pay so much attention to egg quality that sometimes we disregard the environment we’ll be putting that embryo into.”

He figures this is the most likely reason I miscarried and have had 3 unsuccessful IUIs and 3 failed IVFs.

Y’all: my eco-system is off.

He doesn’t know why my lining is out of phase. He said it shouldn’t be an age issue and there’s every likelihood that it’s always been this way – meaning I may have had trouble whenever we’d tried to conceive. He’s not sure of that by the way, but it’s a possibility.

Oh and our fertility insurance runs out May 31 (it’s attached to my husband’s contract which ends May 31) so basically we have 8 weeks of coverage left.

It’s always somethin’ am I right?

The doctor recommends more testing cycles to see if he can figure out a) what may be causing the out-of-phase lining and more importantly b) if he can fix it. There’s some trial-and-error involved here since he doesn’t know why his usual methods didn’t fix things.

Given our waining insurance situation he suggested we proceed with our final IVF cycle (insurance covers 4), go through stims, see if there’s anyone to freeze, freeze them, THEN do at least one (if not more) cycle of testing to try to make my lining receptive and then hopefully move forward with a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) or perhaps use a gestational carrier (insert the giggles of two midwestern lower middle class people in their 40s with no retirement plan).

Basically we’re looking at a rough estimate of 4ish months (2 months for IVF, 1ish months for testing, 1 cycle for FET) before I can do that transfer….so end of July or August.

He was….not hopeful….pretty matter of fact….and honest in his confusion over why my body doesn’t seem to be playing ball. My husband asked if there’s the possibility that he might not be able to fix this phase issue to which the doctor said, “that is a real possibility.”

It’s not just my age anymore, there’s actual stuff keeping me from getting pregnant.

This pill is far more bitter and harder to swallow than I’d anticipated.

It feels like my already low chances of getting pregnant at 43 just dropped. Alot.

The doctor estimated that a woman with my ovarian reserve has approximately a 10% chance of GETTING pregnant. STAYING pregnant is another matter…..that number is significantly lower.

We’ve been talking alot and mulling over what to do….and I think we know what’s ahead of us.

More on that tomorrow.