Big Money Big Decisions

We’ve been so kickass lucky up until now that most of our IVF expenses have been covered. That door is closing.

The doctor has recommended pushing through with stims and freezing – after which everything becomes out-of-pocket for us. The math on freezing and storing embryos, a month or two of testing, drugs and an FET cycle (Frozen Embryo Transfer) would run us approximately $7000 (on top of the $1800 out-of-pocket we’ve already spent for uncovered tests and meds since February). That’s a conservative estimate.

$7000

That’s alot of scratch now isn’t it?

Those of you who are stepping onto your “I’ve Been Paying for IVF Out-Of-Pocket All Along” Soapboxes – I get it! I know which side my bread has been buttered on. I also know that without coverage we WOULD NOT have pursued IVF at all.

At all.

So let’s all take a deep breath and proceed….

$7000….and that’s an estimate. $7000 for a less than 10% chance of a positive pregnancy test, a lower chance of carrying to term.

Our meeting with an adoption agency gave us a rough approximate estimate of $30,000 to adopt a child.

So the question is: do we spend $7000, $30,000 or $37,000?

It’s the 3 Little Bears of “Where Should We Spend Our Money?” …..though instead of Too Small, Too Big and Just Right, it’s more like “Yikes!, Holy Crap! and Ah-Ooo-Gah!”

I’ll break down our thoughts:

The 7K for testing/FET feels like a real crapshoot. Not impossible for it to work….but RUAL RUAL slim chances. There’s a feeling that we’d be just throwing that $7000 away.

Doing the testing/FET first would delay starting the adoption process for another 4-5 months, which doesn’t seem right to either of us. If we were to do them both at the same time the potential $37,000 makes my stomach hurt.

So that brings us to our decision.

Which I’ll reveal…….after these commercial messages.

My hubbo and I have talked through it all, from every angle. He doesn’t like everything that IVF entails…shots, tests, driving to lots and lots to appointments, dealing with anxiety laced progesterone dreams…. He hates me having to get biopsies: “I don’t like them going in there and taking parts out.” But he’d support whatever I wanted to try, since my body has to do the heavy lifting. I felt him wanting to let me make the decision and told him it was too big to do alone, I needed to know exactly what he wanted.

Without thinking he said, “I’m ready to move on.”

Just like that.

Move on. Let it go. Mourn never carrying a biological child and look forward with hope to having a family a different way.

I’m not gonna lie: I’m tired. It’s been a long time. 2-1/2 years. And yes, I know some of you have been at it for way longer (and I’m pulling for you every step of the way) but I’m 43 and I’m tired of treading water.

I need some hope. I need to take the path that includes the most hope of us having a family.

IVF/Testing/FET = a known process, a few weeks of discomfort, lots of waiting, not much hope on the other end

Adoption = lots of unknown, likely a long daunting process with lots of waiting, and with lots and lots of hope at end

Monday after we left the doctor’s office my hubbo said “we likely know our best course of action, we just need to come to terms with it.”

So that’s where we are now: preparing for the excitement of adoption while coming to terms with the decision to stop trying to conceive.

And even though it feels right it’s harder than I thought it would be.

More on where I’m at with that when I speak with you next.

 

 

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27 thoughts on “Big Money Big Decisions

    • It’s a doozy….but it’s been coming for awhile. We thought we might face it after IVF4….turns out it hit us a bit earlier than expected. Thanks so much (as always) for your support!

  1. I really admire what you and your husband have discussed and know will be your next steps. I’ve been on this infertility train almost as long as you have (2 yrs for us). I’m also aging as I type (I turn 40 this month). I know my husband and I have to have this difficult conversation soon.. I think the thing with us is that we aren’t really planning to adopt. It’s TTC, or we live out our days as BFFs with pets. I look forward to hearing more on your journey. God bless always..xo

    • I just followed your blog!! I look forward to hearing how everything goes. For us, we’d always talked about adoption as something that appealed to us, as we want to parent. Family is all different things and I hope you make yours something that brings you joy: babies, pets, each other….whatever you love is lovely.

  2. Man. Rough road. I’m sorry. I mean, I’m glad you got the answers you did while being only $1,800 out of pocket (and I know that’s not lunch money, I’m one of those stuck paying OOP for all but meds). But I am hopeful that with your incredible spunk and ability to see the lighter side of things (glass half-full?) once you mourn you and the hubbo will have a greater quality of life while you wait for the adoption process to bring your little person home to you.

    Meanwhile, my heart is very heavy for you and I’m offering a huge hug.

    • Thanks so much – the online community truly has been an amazing support network. I do wonder how much I’ve spent over the course of TTC – lots of meds, certainly the supplements, many of the procedures weren’t covered (that $1800 only includes 2014 costs thus far)….I doubt that I’ll ever add it up – I’m scared to know the real total! Thanks again for that hug!!!

  3. The fertility roller coaster certainly does suck doesn’t it? I’ve followed your blog for a while now and I know most of what you’re going through. I know there’s uterine issues, but was wondering if you’ve looked into embryo adoption. It may not be on the table with the uterine things, but just thought I would ask. My husband and I are in the process, and have adopted 3 embryos. I would be more than happy to answer any questions. I wish you both the best and having a husband that is adopted, let me tell you, that adoption is the most selfless, genuine gift you can give. Good luck 🙂

    • Thanks so much – sadly it’s a lining issues not an embryo issue. I could put a rockstar embryo in there and the environment would likely thumb its nose. At 43 a healthy pregnancy would not be without its risks anyway which we also knew….but we had to try! We’re excited (and terrified!) to kick into the adoption process.

  4. Those are some deep and rual rual choices! I think you hit the nail on the head with looking at your best course of action. Whatever you decide I hope that you guys find parenthood completely enjoyable!!

  5. Best of luck to you. My husband and I are in a similar boat after 3 IUIs and 1 round of IVF with nothing but 2 devastating miscarriages to show for it. Forty is staring me in the face. We’re thinking about an IUI with injections as our “Hail Mary” but are also starting the adoption process. We’re considering legal risk foster care. Have you considered that possibility?

    • First of all – so sorry you’ve had a rough road. Also, my forties are awesome – better than my 30s! It only gets better!!! We’ve thought about foster to adopt but for our first child don’t think we could face falling in love with a baby only to have it potentially returned to their birth family. Perhaps once we have one child it’s something we’ll reevaluate for a sibling….but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

  6. I’m one of the lucky ones, and did manage to have one bio child. But a year ago, we had to make the tough choice to press on with IVF, adopt, or quit trying for #2 altogether. It sucks, because no matter what choice you make, you will always wonder if it’s the right one. It’s so unfair that you have had to make this decision. I wish you all the luck in the world with the adoption process- it’s a scary new world, but an exciting one, too! I look forward to reading updates!

  7. Wow! So many of us struggle and so many of come to the point you’re at now… whether or not to keep trying. It’s such a hard decision to make. No doubt about it. It sounds like you have a lot of courage. You couldn’t have gotten this far if you didn’t. Making the choice to adopt would be sad and exciting at the same time! But I know that when you’re holding your newly adopted baby in your arms, you won’t regret anything! And it doesn’t mean you can’t try for a biological baby for #2. An old friend of mind adopted 2 children and she is so in love with them. I’m very happy for you two and wish you the best on your new journey.

    • Luckily my husband and I are on the same page and strongly feel that we just don’t care what our little one looks like…..our desire to Parent outweighs our desire to biologically parent. I’m glad every day that throughout this time we have been in agreement about what to try, not try, etc. and that we’ve been able to talk about it all.

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