The Long (Long) Overdue Update!

Hello friends.

It’s been ages since I wrote here and much has been going on.

But first, I hope all of you are great. I mean it. Whatever version of life it is that you’d attach your personal description of great to, I hope it’s that. You, my faceless, nameless, blog writing and following brethren out there in the big world.

My husband and I are fully into the adoption side of family building and are in the midst of searching for a birth mother. (We’re hoping for a domestic, open adoption). I know I know, it’s been more than a year since we switched over! Yep. It has. But shit takes time, y’all. We had to choose an agency, we had to go through the home study process, we had to jump through a different set of hoops and hurdles, We’ve been legal with our home study since late November 2014…I was just a ding-dong and didn’t write about it over here.

We are working with an agency here in the Chicago area, we have a Facebook page and we’re launching a website today. We are investigating other ways to market ourselves, so for reals, we’re open to your ideas.

I started this blog to put my own experience out into the world. And so, I invite you to join my husband and I over at our adoption page:

https://rachelandandrewhopetoadopt.wordpress.com/

There’s a video on the front page we’d love you to see (and share!). Our friend made it for us. He rocks.

The page is a work in progress that we’re tinkering with and I’ll blog from there from time to time. Come visit our page. Follow it. Send it to friends. We are actively searching for a birth mother and we need to keep geting ourselves in front of different people…because at some point somebody might know somebody who knows somebody who might just end up being that birthmother we’d love to meet.

Feel free to like us on the Faceplace as well:

https://www.facebook.com/rachelandandrewhopetoadopt?ref=hl

And hey, now you also know my real name.

It’s nice to meet you.

See you over on the other page!

Rachel

A Severance Letter to My Reproductive System

So I’ve been taking time to sort out all my feelings and such about the information presented to us: that I have a very very low chance of conceiving even with help and an even lower chance of carrying the baby to term. It’s been harder than I expected but I think I’m starting to get over the hurdle. Having to do so while coming off artificial hormones and being bombarded by natural hormones did not help. Basically, there was alot of the getting-weepy-at-kitten-commercials type of thing.

Apparently protecting my own feelings for a long time resulted in being rather cavalier in what I thought I would be cool with: i.e. not being pregnant. On some level I really thought that it would be fine if I was never pregnant as long as I did everything I could to try. In the end, that’s actually still mostly true. Our goal and desire to parent far outweighs our desire to biologically parent. But come on, I’m human, I guess more of me thought it’d be nice to have all the “pregnancy moments” than I thought. I’m doing okay though and moving forward. We are officially pursuing adoption, by which I mean we’re filling out the application for the adoption agency we’ve chosen.  There will likely always be lingering pangs of disappointment but as a few folks have pointed out, once there’s a baby in my arms we will feel complete as a family, despite coming at it from a different angle.

In talking with one of my dearest friends about needing to go through a period of mourning, she suggested that I write a letter to my body. In doing so I would not only address my disappointment with its failings but as she put it, “point out that my heart and mind are stronger and that my life goals won’t be defeated by its failings.”

And so, as part of my…..healings…..I write this letter, firing my body from certain responsibilities.

Dear Reproductive System,

Thank you for your dutiful years of service to the company but we will no longer be needing your full participation at this time. Please consider this letter as an immediate demotion to your previous position within day-to-day operations.

You have served us well in many of your functions but when asked to pursue a deeper commitment in our company’s overall needs and wants, you have not met the expectations that were set before you. The head of our company, in agreement with various other department heads, strongly feels that you were given far more opportunities and avenues to accomplish these goals than many other systems in similar situations. Certainly the systems at other companies have been able to accomplish similar goals without ANY outside assistance or intervention. It would seem that despite the assistance of various outside experts you have thumbed your nose at incorporating their expertise. The head of the company has every intention of moving forward with our overall goals and feels it best to terminate your participation at this time.

We are beginning the process of reviewing outside candidates who, while their origin will come from outside the company, are no doubt ideal candidates for the ultimate position we had to hoped to accomplish with your participation. As it turns out there are numerous other ways to reach the company’s overall goal. So there. Perhaps you were under the assumption that you were the end-all-beat-all way of accomplishing this particular plan of the company. You are not. We have begun to pool our resources and are focussing them on a different process by which we are hopeful and certain to have the success we have hoped for for quite some time. 

If you feel in the future that you would like to be included once again in the accomplishment of this particular goal you are certainly welcome to do so. At any time. Without notifying the head of the company. You may feel free to surprise us at any time in the future by announcing that you are intent on accomplishing the goal through your own devices. However, since we have been informed at this time that this is questionable at best, we will not spend any further emotional or financial resources running at the brick wall you have set before us. Again, you are welcome at anytime to regain the full status and potential your position entails but for now, we ask that you return to your day-to-day tasks and to do them with the normalcy and regularity that you have done so well in the past.

Your desk and all its accoutrement will remain in place for your continued day-to-day use.

With all respect,

Me

Head of Human Resources, Aging Baby Maker, Inc. 

Addendum:

Please read the above with its intended silliness: I fear folks think I’m crying in my soup. I’m doing really well and wrote the above tongue-in-cheek because humor is how I cope…..and because every thing about what we go through with all this is so fucking ridiculous.

Big Money Big Decisions

We’ve been so kickass lucky up until now that most of our IVF expenses have been covered. That door is closing.

The doctor has recommended pushing through with stims and freezing – after which everything becomes out-of-pocket for us. The math on freezing and storing embryos, a month or two of testing, drugs and an FET cycle (Frozen Embryo Transfer) would run us approximately $7000 (on top of the $1800 out-of-pocket we’ve already spent for uncovered tests and meds since February). That’s a conservative estimate.

$7000

That’s alot of scratch now isn’t it?

Those of you who are stepping onto your “I’ve Been Paying for IVF Out-Of-Pocket All Along” Soapboxes – I get it! I know which side my bread has been buttered on. I also know that without coverage we WOULD NOT have pursued IVF at all.

At all.

So let’s all take a deep breath and proceed….

$7000….and that’s an estimate. $7000 for a less than 10% chance of a positive pregnancy test, a lower chance of carrying to term.

Our meeting with an adoption agency gave us a rough approximate estimate of $30,000 to adopt a child.

So the question is: do we spend $7000, $30,000 or $37,000?

It’s the 3 Little Bears of “Where Should We Spend Our Money?” …..though instead of Too Small, Too Big and Just Right, it’s more like “Yikes!, Holy Crap! and Ah-Ooo-Gah!”

I’ll break down our thoughts:

The 7K for testing/FET feels like a real crapshoot. Not impossible for it to work….but RUAL RUAL slim chances. There’s a feeling that we’d be just throwing that $7000 away.

Doing the testing/FET first would delay starting the adoption process for another 4-5 months, which doesn’t seem right to either of us. If we were to do them both at the same time the potential $37,000 makes my stomach hurt.

So that brings us to our decision.

Which I’ll reveal…….after these commercial messages.

My hubbo and I have talked through it all, from every angle. He doesn’t like everything that IVF entails…shots, tests, driving to lots and lots to appointments, dealing with anxiety laced progesterone dreams…. He hates me having to get biopsies: “I don’t like them going in there and taking parts out.” But he’d support whatever I wanted to try, since my body has to do the heavy lifting. I felt him wanting to let me make the decision and told him it was too big to do alone, I needed to know exactly what he wanted.

Without thinking he said, “I’m ready to move on.”

Just like that.

Move on. Let it go. Mourn never carrying a biological child and look forward with hope to having a family a different way.

I’m not gonna lie: I’m tired. It’s been a long time. 2-1/2 years. And yes, I know some of you have been at it for way longer (and I’m pulling for you every step of the way) but I’m 43 and I’m tired of treading water.

I need some hope. I need to take the path that includes the most hope of us having a family.

IVF/Testing/FET = a known process, a few weeks of discomfort, lots of waiting, not much hope on the other end

Adoption = lots of unknown, likely a long daunting process with lots of waiting, and with lots and lots of hope at end

Monday after we left the doctor’s office my hubbo said “we likely know our best course of action, we just need to come to terms with it.”

So that’s where we are now: preparing for the excitement of adoption while coming to terms with the decision to stop trying to conceive.

And even though it feels right it’s harder than I thought it would be.

More on where I’m at with that when I speak with you next.

 

 

My Due Date and What I Got Instead

On Sunday, March 3, 2013 I got my first positive pregnancy test. There was joy. There was apprehension. A natural pregnancy after trying for over a year and just 2 weeks after our first meeting with a reproductive endocrinologist. Read about all that.  I went to see my doctor, she agreed I was in fact pregnant, patted me on the head and sent me on my way with a piece of paper indicating that my due date was somewhere around November 9-11, 2013.

November 10-11, 2013. So…..now.

Nearing the end of March I started spotting and the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I wrote about it here and afterwards we embarked on the quest that brings us to present day.

My husband and I talked this past weekend and I told him that when I woke up Saturday it occurred to me that we would have been due this weekend.  He said, “wow, things sure would have been alot different.”

And it dawned on me: Things ARE alot different.

While we aren’t sitting here with a baby (which yeah, wouldn’t that be nice), alot of good has come:

1) I started blogging and the act of writing has been hugely cathartic. It’s been an amazing way to process my feelings during what could be an overwhelming time.

2) I started tweeting under my blog’s name. Between the blog and the tweets, I’ve found a supportive and vast online community of ladies going through exactly what I’m going through. I can reach out to folks and ask questions, seek advice, compare experiences, etc. I am so thankful for these ladies (and a few gents) who I will likely never meet.

3) I’ve learned that I can give myself lots and lots of shots (to date it’s in the area of 118, one IUI with follistim and 2 IVFs with follistim/menopur,lupron/progesterone). I feel pretty kickass about this and very empowered. Read about my thoughts on needles. I mean, you want me to give myself a shot right now? Name it: where you want me to do it, I’ll do it. Want me to give you a shot? I’ll do it.

4) My husband and I have gotten through all of this. Period. And I’d bet money on the fact that we’re better.

5) We’re now serious about adoption, which while it seems über daunting, also excites me. Even if I do get pregnant this current IVF, adoption could still be a likely scenario for us: we both have siblings and feel they’re pretty important. If our little one’s to have a sibling, it could very likely end up that adoption’s our route.

6) I learned that IVF can be a positive experience. It can be. For me it is not at all the horror story I’ve read about for years in the media. I know IVF isn’t nice to everyone. Some ladies have a terrible time with the hormones, there can be alot of expectations and emotions, doctors can be brusk, nurses can say things or look at you in ways you don’t like. HOWEVER, it’s different for everyone and you don’t know what it’ll be like for you until you start – try to go in expecting the best instead of the worst.

7) I now know more about what it takes to make a baby than friends I know who’ve actually HAD babies. For real. It’s an effing miracle ANYONE EVER gets pregnant with all the stuff that needs to happen for eggs and sperm to come together in a perfect chemical mix in the perfect uterine environment during a tiny narrow window of monthly fertility that the little egg’s even viable.  FUCKING MIRACLE.

8) I’ve learned alot about supplements and foods that are good for fertility. I’ve found people who are knowledgable about supplements and are good enough to write about them: InfertileChemist, I’m looking at you http://infertilechemist.wordpress.com/2013/07/04/supplements-part-i-dhea/#comment-1173   The CCRM website is also good for this:http://www.colocrm.com/FertilitySupplements.aspx   (There’s also alot of bullshit out there so you really just have to do the best you can with all of it).  Me? I took wheatgrass for a long time (my RE asked me to let that one go once we started IVF), but I still take: CoQ10, Royal Jelly, PreNatals…recently I’ve added Pycnogenol and a little extra Vitamin C.  As for food, I try to eat plenty of protein, vegetables, whole grains…..in particular lots of blueberries, chia seeds, avocado, yams if you can find them…..watch your caffeine and booze (some REs say absolutely none and others say moderation) and I’ve tried to cut out processed foods and am watching sugar….which is my kryptonite.

9) I’ve joined a support group and get to look into the eyes of other ladies who are struggling. We share stories and there are knowing nods. We learn from each other. It took a long time for me to take this step, but I did when the time was right and I’m very happy I did. We’re all in different places, trying different things, but we help each other.

10) I still have my hope.

There’s likely much more that I haven’t put my finger on, but one newish friend gave me advice a few months ago that I now carry with me every day:

We now live in a time that if you really want a family, there are so many ways that it can happen: pregnancy, IUI/IVF, donor eggs, surrogacy, fostering, adoption, etc. You may not know right now how your child will come to you, but you have to believe that they will come to you somehow.

So while I didn’t get my due date, and I am still waiting for our little bundle to show up, I really did get a whole lot more.

(But little peanut for reals, you can show up any old time now).

IVF 2 Not “The One” So Forward We Go

Well friends and neighbors, today’s blood test came back negative.

Bumm. Er.

Yes, there’s sadness, but we’re okay.  We knew that transferring only one embryo, along with my age, meant chances this round were pretty slim…..existent, but slim. (But if it happens again, I’ll still be on the “it only takes one” mantra bandwagon).

I picked hubbo up from work and checked my RE’s website to find that we had a message waiting with the test results.  Needless to say it was not the message we had hoped for. No tears but we absorbed the crappy information and spouted out all our disappointments and frustrations.

Then we decided to go for frozen yogurt from the wall.

‘Cause that’s how we roll.

Driving up Lake Shore Drive we found ourselves on the subject of adoption again.  We’ve talked about adopting on and off and are both very open to the idea.  While I’d love to be pregnant I don’t really feel that I have to actually carry a child to be his/her parent. We decided that our best play moving forward would be to continue IVF while also moving forward with adoption research, etc. Adoption feels daunting and “where the hell does one start” but in reality, I’ve already started.  I’ve been occasionally looking online and I had a good talk with a friend who recently adopted a little boy, so now I just have to dig in. Any recommendation of books, websites, etc. are greatly appreciated.

We went to the Forever Yogurt in Boystown and while hubbo paid the parking (thank you Mayor Daley) I called The Russian’s office and set up an appointment for Friday to talk about what we should try next. For now I stop all meds and wait for nature to kick back in. We bumped into a couple of friends coming out of the Caribou Coffee next to the yogurt shop and they immediately started joking around with us. So, perked up, still no tears.

Got home, crashed on the couch with the dog and watched some mindless tv.  Eventually, Bri Willy (Brian Williams) did a story about a little girl who was injured in the Boston Marathon bombing who sang at a recent Red Sox game.  That jump-started the inevitable tear flow of emotions that needed to exit my body.

I’m not a robot, y’all….but I couldn’t cry into that delicious yogurt.