IVF3 Negative, Dusting Ourselves Off

We had our Beta this past Thursday and it was negative.

Yep. Not what any of us wanted to hear.

I was pretty upset and just let myself cry it out….and I forgot how exhausting the act of crying can be. I’d start to get myself together and then it would start back up. I was so very tired the rest of the night – my body and my heart were just tuckered out.

I was actually surprised at the news….we both were…..we both just had this sort of….inkling that it had worked. That and I had experienced some new symptoms: nausea, cramping, insomnia….and supes gross, my pee smelled weird. (Sorry, but some of you might be interested in symptoms, even the icky ones). All of these symptoms can be atributed to the progesterone and estrogen supplements, but I had not experienced any of these symptoms before…..so you can understand my curiosity.

So we’ve worked through our disappointment – no irrational thoughts or blame, just a good old-fashioned case of the really sads….and while there’s still some residual blues that will linger for awhile, we’re doing okay. It’s taken me a few days to write about it tough.

And then we began to discuss our next step. I had already gotten a referral to another RE here in town (as a just in case) that some ladies in my support group recommended, so I called his office to make an appointment. The receptionist could not have been nicer and we have an appointment to meet with the doctor on January 21st.

We also started talking about the two different adoption agencies that we have visited here in Chicago so that likely over the next few weeks we can make a decision as to which one of them we will go with. I will also need to call both of them to see if I they’re cool with my doing an IVF cycle at the same time as the get-the-ball-rolling initial appointments/potential home visit business.

The silver lining is that we leave tomorrow for a 2-week vacation to visit alot of friends. We put this trip off twice before and I asked my RE this time if it would be okay to go in case I actually got pregnant. She said it’d be fine, so we made plans. We cashed in a mess of frequent flyer miles, had a friend who gave us a few more and we made our itinerary, which initially included Amsterdam and London and then I snuck in 2 days in Paris as a surprise Christmas gift for my husband. I used to live in Amsterdam so we’re staying with friends., another friend is letting us stay in her family’s flat in Paris, and my husband’s best friend now lives in London so we’ll stay with them.  So luckily we’re able to keep the trip relatively cheap.

We’ll land first thing Tuesday morning….which is New Year’s Eve and also, my birthday. It’s always been nice to simultaneously reflect upon a calendar year and a year of living. I’m glad to put this past year to bed – we’ve learned alot and grown alot, but youch it’s been a doozy.

We both need a break and we’re going to get it. It’s been a tough year. We’re hanging in there though. Hope you are, too.

IVF#1 Close but no cigar

Well campers, the second round of beta numbers are in and sadly the HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels went down.  Not what we wanted, but certainly something we knew was an option. UGH! Man, did I want those numbers to go up!!

Yes, I’m sad.

Yes, I’m disappointed.

Yes, I’ve had some tears.

But hey, I failed my first driver’s test, too…..so why should I get this on the first try either?

In all the improv I teach, two of the things I press on my students is the importance of moving things forward and that you can’t be afraid to fail.   Who would I be if I didn’t try to follow my own advice?

I know that we did our very best, we ate well, I opted not to drink booze or caffeine (hubbo cut way back on the coffee) and we followed all of The Russian’s advice and orders.  I have no regrets and knew going in that it would likely take more than one try.

Did I get a little cocky when I got that initial positive pregnancy test?

A tiny bit.

But I knew the number was low and that we weren’t out of the woods.  Luckily, I have a habit of not getting overly excited about something until it’s really happening….like big trips, I don’t tend to get excited until I’m actually packing.

However, don’t think that my hopes weren’t up just a little bit. Sure they were. Wouldn’t yours be?

Also, don’t go thinking I have my emotions on a light switch – I’m sad and I’ll be sad, but even now I’m laughing at an episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway? There’s just only so much energy I can give to being sad. Life is too short.

And just to address it: yes, there’s a part of me that’s afraid none of this will work. For my own well-being, I just choose to keep those thoughts tucked away for the time being.  If there’s any shot of this working, it’s going to be because I choose to blow sunshine and rainbows up my own butt over and over again to keep things positive.

Moving forward: no more progesterone or estradiol, I wait for my period which should start sometime during the next 10 days at which point I call The Russian’s office to head in for an ultrasound and to start up the ole birth control again.

The fat lady has far from sung and it’s on to IVF #2.