IVF#1 Close but no cigar

Well campers, the second round of beta numbers are in and sadly the HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels went down.  Not what we wanted, but certainly something we knew was an option. UGH! Man, did I want those numbers to go up!!

Yes, I’m sad.

Yes, I’m disappointed.

Yes, I’ve had some tears.

But hey, I failed my first driver’s test, too…..so why should I get this on the first try either?

In all the improv I teach, two of the things I press on my students is the importance of moving things forward and that you can’t be afraid to fail.   Who would I be if I didn’t try to follow my own advice?

I know that we did our very best, we ate well, I opted not to drink booze or caffeine (hubbo cut way back on the coffee) and we followed all of The Russian’s advice and orders.  I have no regrets and knew going in that it would likely take more than one try.

Did I get a little cocky when I got that initial positive pregnancy test?

A tiny bit.

But I knew the number was low and that we weren’t out of the woods.  Luckily, I have a habit of not getting overly excited about something until it’s really happening….like big trips, I don’t tend to get excited until I’m actually packing.

However, don’t think that my hopes weren’t up just a little bit. Sure they were. Wouldn’t yours be?

Also, don’t go thinking I have my emotions on a light switch – I’m sad and I’ll be sad, but even now I’m laughing at an episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway? There’s just only so much energy I can give to being sad. Life is too short.

And just to address it: yes, there’s a part of me that’s afraid none of this will work. For my own well-being, I just choose to keep those thoughts tucked away for the time being.  If there’s any shot of this working, it’s going to be because I choose to blow sunshine and rainbows up my own butt over and over again to keep things positive.

Moving forward: no more progesterone or estradiol, I wait for my period which should start sometime during the next 10 days at which point I call The Russian’s office to head in for an ultrasound and to start up the ole birth control again.

The fat lady has far from sung and it’s on to IVF #2.